This post is a little late, but it took a little while to get my thoughts together.
Mother's Day (and Father's Day) is one of the hardest holidays when struggling with infertility. I've gotten better at dealing with Mother's Day, this being the 5th one since we've been married (well, 6th, but 5th since we started trying). I don't run away from stores crying because I saw a Mother's Day card display (ok, I never actually did that, but I did avoid them), or have to switch the channel if a Mother's Day commercial comes on. I enjoy talking to my mom and mother-in-law, and showing them appreciation for what they have done for Brett and me.
The hardest part, for me, is church. It's a wonderful day for honoring mothers, but it's a day where I (we) feel completely left out, our pain overlooked. Brett even more than me, because people do come up and ask if I'm doing ok. They never ask Brett, and it's just as hard on him. He doesn't show it the way I do, but he's hurting too. Our church recently said that motherhood is "the highest, holiest service assumed by humankind. It’s the definition of selfless service. It’s both a daunting responsibility and a glorious opportunity. The divine role of motherhood is a gift from God, and key to his plan of happiness for all his children." And the thing is, I completely agree! However, the majority of speakers in sacrament meeting talk like if you're a woman and don't have kids, you aren't worth anything. At least on this day. Other days, all women are recognized and appreciated for what they bring to the table, mom or not. Mother's Day? Not so much. And at the end of the meeting, they bring around some sort of gift for all the mothers. Which, again, is great! But I'm either overlooked, or I feel like they're giving it to me out of pity. I know that's not how it's meant, but that's what it feels like.
I’m not saying I need you to tiptoe around me. The focus for Mother’s Day shouldn’t be me. But please be understanding. I'm sorry if I'm short with you when you come up to talk to me. I'm barely holding it together.
You know, in thinking about this, I'm as guilty as the rest about being a bit more concerned about you than our own son. I suppose it conditioned into us to worry more for moms and moms-to-be than the dads and dads-to-be. It is hard on him, though, and we know that, which makes it hard on us. We're glad you have each other for support during this journey - you know each other so well!
ReplyDeleteI certainly don’t blame you for that, at all. We are absolutely conditioned to think that women are the only ones that want children, and are therefore brokenhearted when they can’t have them. I don't know how I would ever be able to do this without him!
DeleteI remember the day I got told by a doctor I would never be a mother due to medical reasons. I was told that even if I did ever conceive I couldn't carry the baby full term. God has granted me miracles since then and I have been able to have children. But I will never forget the crushing feeling of that visit and sitting in church 2 days later being taught about how women should be in the home and having children. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm praying that you will be granted miracles like I was.
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