Insensitive Questions/Statements

This is a list of things people say to us that makes us want to smack them (not necessarily in order of annoyingness), along with what we really want to say, but usually don't. 

Note: this list pertains to strangers and those who just don't know us that well. It's perfectly fine to us when family members and close friends ask sincere questions because they truly care and want to know how we're doing. If we don't feel up to answering the question, we'll tell you.

  

1. I know how you feel. My husband/wife and I had to try for three months before we got pregnant.

A. Try 4 years, and then we'll talk.

2. When are you planning on having kids?/When are you going to start a family?

A. About 4 years ago (I have actually said this - shut them up real quick!)

3. Are you guys not trying to have kids yet?

A. Oh, trust me, we try ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!

4. Oh, you can adopt, and then you'll get pregnant. So many people suddenly get pregnant after adopting!

A1. One; if we do adopt, it won't be because we want to get pregnant. We'll adopt because we want to adopt, not any other reason. Two; very, very, very few people actually get pregnant after adopting, you just hear about them more. Adopting won't make me magically ovulate.

A2. Do you have 25 grand you can spare?

5. You should adopt one of the thousands of kids that need a home instead of spending all that money in a selfish pursuit of only having a kid with your genes.
A1. Adoption is just as expensive as fertility treatments (if not more). As we have a good prognosis, there is a much higher chance of us actually having children through fertility treatments. With adoption, we could wait 10 years and still not have a child.
A2. I'm sorry you feel that fulfilling the biological imperative by having children is a selfish goal. I notice that you didn't think that when you had your 4 biological children. 
A3. Adoption is another path to having children, with its own challenges, and may be something we choose to do in the future. However, it's not the path we're currently pursuing, and we don't need to justify our personal decisions to you.
A4. (for those who say "foster to adopt, it's free!") No, it's not "free". The monetary cost is low, I'll grant you that, but you still have to pay for a home study (lowest I've seen is $1500, which is more than many fertility treatments), and often you have to pay at least some court costs. However, there are other considerations. Some I've found while researching: one parent must not work (not in all states, but in many), there are more frequent social worker visits, there are often parent visitations, and there's the big one - the entire purpose of the foster system is to reunite families, not to find new ones for the children. So there's every possibility that we could fall in love with a child that is placed with us, only for them to be taken away at the whim of the courts. Maybe that's not a huge consideration for you, but it is for us.

6. Don't you feel your biological clock ticking?

A1. Punch to face, knee to gut, possibly deadly poison in food

A2. People keep telling me that I have one of those, but I just can't figure out where it is

7. You're getting pretty old to not have kids, don't you think?

A. You're getting pretty old to not realize that that was a rude question

8. Just stop thinking about it, and it'll just happen

A. Not thinking about it isn't going to make my ovaries start working

9. Wow, you've been married for (insert number) years? Isn't it about time to start having kids?

A1. We were thinking that about four years ago, but my ovaries won't cooperate.

A2. You've been stupid for 30 years. Isn't it about time you did something about that?

A3. You're getting older. Isn't it about time you got botox?

A4. You've been nosy for about 20 years. Isn't it about time you started minding your own business?

10. Why don't you have kids yet?

A. Well, I'm not sure, and I'm getting kind of anxious - we decided to not consummate the marriage till after the first kid.

11. Are you pregnant?

A1. Nope, are you? (This is a really great one if the person asking is single. Really drives home how rude it is)

A2. Unless my ovaries suddenly started working, I’m just as barren as the last time we talked.

12. You guys are so lucky you don't have kids! You're not tired all the time, and you can go do fun stuff whenever you want!
A1. Would you honestly give up your children so you could sleep in and travel?
A2. We know babies cry and puke. We know children are messy and loud. We know our lives will change drastically when we have kids. Please don't downplay our loss by making your blessing sound more like a curse.

Universal Answer 1. Stare at them with a blank expression till they get uncomfortable, then change the subject or walk away.

Universal Answer 2. Burst into tears and run away.

Universal Answer 3. That is a really personal question, and I’m not going to answer it.